


Spiduality Crisis

by li_izumi



Category: Spider-Man/Deadpool - Joe Kelly (Comics)
Genre: 2 person love triangle, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Humor, M/M, POV Peter Parker, Post 'Til Death Do Us Part, Roommates, and they were ROOMMATES
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25432492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/li_izumi/pseuds/li_izumi
Summary: There’s never a dull moment when Deadpool's around.For the prompt: “I know if I take my eyes off you for a second, you’d burn down my kitchen”.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 11
Kudos: 74





	Spiduality Crisis

**Author's Note:**

> I started this fic off one of those one-sentence prompt lists that came across my tumblr dash ages ago. I didn't expect it to take a couple years to finish it, but sometimes that's what writing is like. This is more or less comic canon, only more gay. It's set a bit after the 'Til Death Do Us Part mini crossover thing with the Spider-Man/Deadpool and Deadpool runs.  
> (Title inspired by a suggestion from Harishe from the Marvel Dumpster discord group. Thank you!)

“I see you checking out my body.” Deadpool punctuates his statement by shaking his bare ass in Peter’s direction. “Don’t try to tell me it’s just because you’re starving and want me to hurry up with these pancakes. Not with these _ass_ -ets”

Peter hadn’t realized he’s been staring, but now that he is aware, well, how could he _not_?! Deadpool is completely naked except for a frilly little apron that barely covers his junk in front and doesn’t cover his ass at all.

When he stumbled into the kitchen half asleep, Deadpool placed a cup in front of him before skipping back to the stove. It had taken a much needed sip of coffee for Peter’s still half-asleep brain to even begin to process the 6-foot, 2-inches of uncovered skin.

Deadpool naked is all scars and sores and lumps that move under his skin, a constantly shifting kaleidoscope that is never quite the same, horrible and beautiful at the same time. Peter can’t quite determine if he finds Deadpool’s skin to be revolting or fascinating, but really the skin is a distraction that almost hides his perfectly etched muscles. Peter has seen bodybuilders less defined.

It’s impossible for Peter _not_ to stare at this strangely erotic Adonis currently standing in front of him!

Not that Peter will admit that to Deadpool. Ever.

“I know if I take my eyes off you for a second, you’d burn down my kitchen,” Peter retorts.

Deadpool considers this for a moment, then shrugs his agreement. “You’re probably right, but feeling your eyes on me makes me want to put on a little show.”

Peter swallows with simultaneous dread and excitement, unsure how much more of this he can take. “You _really_ don’t have to,” he insists.

“Well of course I don’t _have_ to,” Deadpool agrees, with a flirty wink and grin, “but you’re worth the extra effort!”

And yes, of course, now Deadpool is doing little cha-cha steps, shaking his naked ass side to side. Peter has to stop this _now_ , before his little hard-on turns into a full-fledged boner.

“Deadpool, do we have to add another amendment to our roommate agreement?”

“No dancing naked in the kitchen while making breakfast?” Deadpool ventures, while thankfully also stopping his dancing.

“No dancing naked in the kitchen while making breakfast,” Peter concurs.

“Fiiiiiine, but if you had to crash at _my_ place for a week, I’d let _you_ dance naked in the kitchen while making breakfast.”

“That really isn’t as strong of an argument as you want it to be,” Peter replies. “First of all, you’ve already been here a lot longer than a week, so don’t even. Secondly, I’m not stupid enough to get kicked out of my apartment while also pissing off all my _real_ friends--”

“Aw, Peter, aren’t we Best Friends Forever?”

“You shot me in the head--twice!-- _killing_ me both times!”

“Yes, but I only killed you the second time because I wasn’t sure about what went wrong the first time, and I only killed you at all because I thought you were a bad guy. I brought you back to life both times when I realized you weren’t, so,”--Wade flashes his hands in a ‘tada!’ pose-- “No big deal!”

“Your definition and my definition of ‘no big deal’ are vastly different things,” Peter mutters.

“What’s a little death between friends? All my other friends have murdered me _at least_ twice...”

Since there isn’t much he can say to that, Peter continues as if Wade hadn’t interrupted. “ _Thirdly_ , if there ever came a situation where I was kicked out and needed to crash at your place because none of my other many, _many_ friends, who I would much rather stay with could let me stay with them, there would be no circumstances in which I would ever dance naked in your kitchen while making breakfast. And lastly, to make it perfectly clear, it’s not the dancing I object to. Nor is it the breakfast part. It’s the whole ‘naked’ thing. Don’t be naked.”

Deadpool pouts excessively while he flips a couple pancakes onto the plate in front of Peter; the rest he keeps for himself. “Where’s your sense of fun?” 

Peter’s sense of fun is currently in a tug-of-war with his sense of heterosexuality. He’s not sure which side is winning. He takes a huge bite of pancake into his mouth instead of answering Deadpool’s question and nearly chokes. 

_Smooth. Real smooth_ , he curses. Yeah, it’s a _totally brilliant_ idea shoving something so far into his mouth he chokes on it in front of the guy who has him reconsidering his sexuality--something he’s rarely had to question before Deadpool’s naked ass started dancing around his kitchen. 

“Shiklah would let me dance naked in the kitchen while making breakfast,” Deadpool mutters as he pokes at his own food.

“She also murdered you a few times,” Peter points out. “There might be a connection.”

“Now that’s low, Peter. I’m still in mourning for the loss of my marriage and you’re hitting me where it hurts most. What would Spider-Man say if he knew you were picking on me?”

“He’d say that after you finish breakfast, you better disinfect every surface that naked ass of yours sat on. And that you better be ready at 9 when he comes to pick you up for patrolling or he’s leaving you behind.”

“Yeah, that does sound like what he’d say,” Deadpool agrees.

Peter took a few more bites of pancakes before grumbling, “Why I am even letting you crash at my place with that whole aforementioned murder thing?”

Between his sexuality-crisis and the risk Deadpool could figure out Peter Parker IS Spider-Man, Peter has to have some serious lingering brain damage to let Deadpool continue to stay with him. But Deadpool had looked so dejected and alone when Shiklah kicked him out... Peter couldn’t ignore someone hurting that much.

“It’s cuz Spider-Man asked you to let me stay here and we both love Spidey too much to say ‘no’ to him!”

“It’s… something like that, at any rate,” Peter concedes.

He finishes his pancakes and brings his plate over to the sink. Deadpool is still working on his pancakes. Not for the first time since Deadpool has moved in, Peter finds himself lingering, wanting to hang around more. It’s been really _nice_ to have someone else in this giant apartment, and--naked dancing in his kitchen notwithstanding--Deadpool is a surprisingly fun and thoughtful housemate. There’s certainly never a dull moment when he’s around.

But as much as Peter wants to hang around more, he needs to get going soon if he’s going to have enough time to change and come back as his other self--the self who is currently bringing hearts to Deadpool’s eyes.

Peter waves goodbye, but doesn’t get a response. Not that he really expected one. Peter’s all but forgotten now that Deadpool is thinking about Spider-Man. Nothing else matters anymore, not even the guy graciously letting him live in a luxury New York apartment.

Oh geez. Is he actually jealous... of _himself_?

Man, just what he needed... to fall into a love triangle where two of the three points are him!

Peter scoffs derisively at himself as he closes the front door behind him. He knows what an idiot he’s being, but that doesn’t stop him from rushing out the door. With those heart-eyes waiting to greet him, Spider-Man will be back again soon enough, swinging through the window.


End file.
